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Confessions of a Curious Mind

and some delusions for good measure

I am one the most easy going people you will ever meet. Few things bother me, and if you try to provoke me I'll sooner laugh at your stupidety than actually get angry. Though, if you figure out a way to make me cross be prepared for a serious confrontation; I never hold back completely when I've been needlessly wounded. Emotional abuse is always recieved with increasingly more powerful strikes and blows.

When it comes to physical confrontation, of any kind, I'm full of surprises. I appear weak and frail on the surface because I cannot hide when I've been hurt, and I have a very tight frame that disguises my real strength; but for me physical pain is merely a means of transition from one mental state into another. At times I can recieve imeasurable amounts of punishment without so much as flinching because I choose not to strike back. Otherwise, I'm a berzerker endowed with powerfully intuitive defensive skills. I'm a very physical person, very much in tune with my kinetic energies, but I'm more of a collector and cultivator of physical energy than a creator. Though, when defending others, I've yet to learn how to hold back.

I wear my emotions on the outside, but more often than not, and worse for me, I am always hiding what actually lies beneath. Some people enjoy my expressive nature, others find me a little too "moody" for their tastes. (moody - a description i despise, and always immediately react to) When the dark cloud hovers over me don't ask me questions. Give me peace of mind only, for you'll get nothing but an akward silence or defensive rejection.

I come across as a major extrovert, easily bouncing from group to group, friend to friend, playfully interacting as only the best con-men can. But really I'm an increadably alone introvert. I may seem very quick to form intimate relationships, but I'm actually very difficult to get close to. Having my heart opened is a painful experience for me and because of that I have put it off. If I feel something for you, you are the exception. When it comes to establishing any kind of loving relationship I'm increadably ellusive and difficult to pin down.

I am the most sensitive person I know, but that's a secret I guard as best I can. My sensitivity is not a flaw so don't ever criticize me for it. Being sensitive is what enables me to learn more about you then you'll ever learn about me; a sort of control, incase something goes wrong. If you are good at hurting me, or this is your intent, I'm not afraid of making judgements. I don't accept abusers into my life. I've lived with them for too long to not have learned how to recognize one; which is why my sensitivity is my greatest strength because I'm exceptionally good at inadvertantly attracting abusers.

I have an artist inside myself waiting to be released. I do not let him out because I do not see myself as an artist. Not yet anyway. Most can see him, others just find me especially odd. He expresses himself in various forms and mediums; but overall, he's just always there, influencing everything about me. Simply put, I drip with creative energy.

I am not religous in any way, but I am very spiritual. In fact, most of my idle time is spent pondering "the bigger picture", or you... if you've found a way to peak my interest. If I think you get "it", I will show you things about the world that few are aware of. I believe in concepts like the existence of higher power(s), karma, re-incarnation, universal conciousness, and especially the existence of a silent war between "good" and "evil". However, it seems to me that very few really understand anything about spirituality. In my opinion, spirituality is not the arming of oneself with tools and tricks and manipulations of words in an effort to de-humanize a wiser, or an otherwise un-aware, soul. The battle isn't faught using "truths"; the war is one of awareness. Any spiritual discussion with me will ultimately either open your mind (or open mine) or force you into hiding behind a blind anger because somewhere you've refused to become aware and I am a relentless prodder.

I percieve the world with eyes that few posses, leaving me completely blind to the obvious, but insightful to the obscure; many know that I see through the thickest of masks. I am constantly analyzing. I cannot turn it off even when trying. But I can hide what I see if you ask; in fact, the people I am closest too are often startled at how much of them I really do understand. In those crucial moments when I feel a confrontation of reality is necessary people are often in a state surprise at my previously percieved cluelessness when really I was fully aware of what may or may not be really happening. A point of advice for anyone who would care to associate with me: I usually know when a person is lying to me, I just rarely do anything about it, you can't hide important things from me for very long if I want to know, and there's never a moment when I'm not analyzing you; but I have no intent on harming you by trying to understand you. I do it out of love, because you fascinate me.

In general, I am a good listener, and my shoulder has accepted tears from many strangers and loved ones. In my opinion every person in this world is responsible for the well being any other.

I am not the type to accept compliments very well. If you give me one I will demand you tell me what you mean, or I will shrug it off completely. That depends on my opinion of your estimations. This is my biggest flaw, for I have a hard time recognizing my strengths; though I am never afraid to use them.

I am one of those people that must always be developing and evolving, improving and perfecting; for me, the death of an artist is stagnation. This is a big nuisance for anyone I get close to; I'm good at dissappearing for years at a time.

I am very idealistic, and form strong opinions, but one of my most important ideals is that I be flexible. Open-mindedness is an absolute must. Close-mindedness is something to be destroyed; slowly in most cases for this is the most natural, but rapidly when it's a source of pain for others.

For as long as I can remember I have been on a path of self discovery; mostly because there is so very little about myself that I actually know. Two words describe my past very well, "repressed memories". At times I can be haunted by the memories that have blocked themselves off from me; I'm prone to having flashbacks of violence that was otherwise a dark secret within my family. It's a very powerful defense mechinism, and I use it well, but it's not without it's own flaws.

On first impression I seem to come across as particularly stable, rational, and fully in control. Don't be fooled by my quick, powerful intelligence. I have an impulsive, ritualistic, destructive self that sometimes violently fights it's way to the surface in ways I don't keep a secret. I'm not a danger to anyone around me. I'm more of a liability, though I've been told I more than make up for it.

Overall, I'm a healer. A broken healer, but this is my recognized path. I am the seeker, finding and drawing out pain where it is otherwise hidden, locked away, or ignored. If you get close to me I will force you to question your sense of reality; hopefully for the better, though more often then not I'm merely forcing you to question your own reality so I may understand it myself.

I'm here to learn so others may someday know.

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Dream In Digital